1 post tagged “self-confidence”
I don't know where the following bit came from - it all sounds very fierce and determined, which I am, but it also sounds very grim and humorless, which I am not.
In other news, I just found out that Holly Gaiman is a Mawrter, and will graduate this year. The annoying part of me is now thinking of quasi-legitimate excuses to show up at Commencement, just in case her dad is there so I can bump into him or something. That is icky and stalkerish, though, and I won't do it. I have to wonder what it was like for her, though - her dad was practically an object of worship while I was there, and I don't think things have changed that much. One of my friends while I was there was the daughter of a rich and famous novelist, but he just wrote mystery novels and no one got particularly worked up about that. This is a little bit different.
Anyway - grim and humorless:
In other news, I just found out that Holly Gaiman is a Mawrter, and will graduate this year. The annoying part of me is now thinking of quasi-legitimate excuses to show up at Commencement, just in case her dad is there so I can bump into him or something. That is icky and stalkerish, though, and I won't do it. I have to wonder what it was like for her, though - her dad was practically an object of worship while I was there, and I don't think things have changed that much. One of my friends while I was there was the daughter of a rich and famous novelist, but he just wrote mystery novels and no one got particularly worked up about that. This is a little bit different.
Anyway - grim and humorless:
Should.
I should eat five meals a day of exactly 300 calories each. I should do
vigorous exercise for an hour every day. I should spend at least a half
an hour every day engaged in deep and significant meditation. I should
read complex and involved texts, and write penetrating analyses of them
that uncover hidden gems of truth. I should match up my socks when they
come out of the laundry. I should study arcane languages and ancient
alphabets. I should be a perfect employee at my job. I should recycle
every scrap that comes into my home and throw nothing away. I should
express myself with beauty and clarity. I should be brilliant and
graceful and I should be available to all of those who wish to learn
from my shining example. I should also be modest. I should get up
earlier in the morning.
There
are other shoulds, imposed from outside: I should be thin and
attractive and stylish. I should be wealthy. I should have more toys. I
should be glib and shallow and make people feel comfortable. I should
be ashamed. I don’t pay too much attention to those particular shoulds
because I don’t care about them. The other list, the one generated from
within – I care about those. Even if maybe I shouldn’t.
I
am ambitious. I have always been ambitious. I am not content to bloom
where I have been planted; I am not content at all, and I do not see
this as a bad thing. If I was not ambitious I would probably be living
in a trailer in rural New Hampshire with an alcoholic husband and a
pile of babies being raised on food stamps and government cheese. Some
people are born at 9 and feel accomplished for having raised themselves
to 10; I was born at .05 and have gotten to about 5, so as far as I’m concerned I’m ahead. I’m aiming for 10, but it’s 10 on my own terms.
A
10 for me means meeting all of my own shoulds. It means being the
person that I want to be and that I know I can be. I see my life as a
story, with plot and arc and characters, and I want to be the one that
writes the ending.
